


Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

by junkyarddoll



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bad Communication, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 06:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10405863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkyarddoll/pseuds/junkyarddoll
Summary: To say the first war with Voldemort and working for the Order probably put a strain on Remus and Sirius' relationship is an understatement. A snapshot of a relationship falling a part.The working title for this was just Angst- which sums it up. An experiment in writing something that isn't comedy or fluff for a change.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a song by The Smiths because titles are hard and I am lazy.

It's starting to get late, the day after the full moon, when Sirius hears the front door open. Remus' foot steps are quiet as he attempts to return unnoticed. It's been weeks since he left, after a hurried conversation while packing; got to do something for Dumbledore, I can't tell you where I'm going, I don't know how long I'll be gone, I won't be able to write, I'll miss you too. Sirius had been mad then, he is madder now. 

''You look like shit." Sirius says trying not to sound as concerned as he is. Remus looks terrible, Sirius had never seen him look this bad after a full moon. His clothes are dishevelled, and on little skin Sirius can see there are cuts, bruises and bite marks. It looks as though Remus has been in fight with someone with just as many teeth and claws as him.

"I feel like shit." Remus responds as he moves past Sirius to slump onto the couch. Sirius sits beside him,

"Where have you been? I know, I know can't say, bloody Dumbledore. I just thought you'd be back before the moon."

"I couldn't, it's alright though. I'm just glad I'm back for now. I'm not sure how long though." Remus mumbles as he leans into Sirius he could probably fall asleep right there.

"Well you're not going anywhere soon, look at you! What happened to you? We should get someone to look at these," Sirius gestures to the further marks he's found under Remus' sleeves. "You need a healer. We should go to St Mungo's."

"No, it's fine. I'll heal, you know that. It might just take a little longer this time."  Remus sounds too tired to protest much more, Sirius wants to push but can't bring himself to.

"Fine, but if you're not looking better in the next few days."

"I'll be okay, leave it. I just need rest."

"I don't know what Dumbledore is playing at, having you out there on the full moon."

"It's okay, I didn't hurt anybody"

"That's not what I meant. I was worried. I know you hate it when you're alone. Besides, what good can you do like that. He should know better. You should have been home." The anger has began to slip into Sirius' tone. He's furious. How dare Dumbledore put Remus through whatever this has been. Remus has already gone through enough. Dumbledore has no right to make his worst night of the month worse. There are already so many people in  the Order why couldn't it be one of them. Why couldn't it be him instead. Sirius isn't stupid, a part of him knows why it to had to be Remus. This doesn't stop him from blaming Dumbledore.

Remus can hear the anger in Sirius' voice. They had already had this argument before he left. He understands Sirius was probably worried sick about him. He is familiar with that feeling, or maybe Sirius has forgotten than when he goes off to play hero with the Order, he is the one left at home worrying. A tiny spiteful part of Remus feels it serves him right for how reckless he's been in the past. Remus wishes he could explain why Dumbledore needs him to do this, why it could only be him. He wants to tell Sirius that he is glad he can do something to help. Before he can respond Remus feels his exhaustion finally overcome him completely and sleep finally stops his brain.

Remus wakes up to find himself in bed. Sirius has removed his clothes from last night and attempted to put dressings on some of the particularly bad wounds. The worst one, a particularly deep bite on his waist, stings. He inspects his arms, as he expected the minor injuries are all mostly healed, some of the deeper wounds will take a few more days to heal and he's fairly sure the bites and one particularly bad scratch on his shoulder will scar. Sirius is already up, Remus can smell fresh coffee brewing. He still feels very tired but the bite on his waist twinges again and he realises more sleep is probably unlikely. He drags himself out of bed, pulls on the nearest sweater and goes in search of coffee. When Sirius sees him, he immediately herds him out of the kitchen, to a seat at the table, like an overly concerned sheep dog. He returns with a cup of coffee for Remus and apprehensive look on his face.

"How did you sleep?" He asks after Remus has taken his first sip.

"Like a log. I think the exhaustion helped with that." Remus says.

"You shouldn't be up. You should go back to bed. I didn't wake you, did I?" Sirius fusses.

"I'm fine. And no, I lived in a dormitory with you and James for seven years, remember? There is no noise left that I can't sleep through." Remus tries his best to sound reassuring, which is immediately undermined by an involuntary grasp of pain.

"Where?" Sirius asks.

"Just the one on my side. It's fine, it doesn't hurt that much." Before Remus can stop him Sirius is already pulling up his sweater to inspect his dressing from the other night.

"Yeah, the one that takes up entire right side of waist. I can definitely see how that wouldn't hurt." Sirius replies with sarcastic lilt, as he grabs his healing kit still on the table from last night.

"This really needs some proper healing salve, not my rubbish homebrew." Sirius comments as he peels off the dressing and tend to it properly.

"I'll heal, it's fin-" Remus starts, Sirius cuts him off to add,

"And you'll need something proper from the pain. So you can sleep while it heals." There is specific emphasis on the last word. When Remus doesn't attempt to argue again Sirius continues, "I know you heal faster with your super werewolf healing, but it still hurts you. And some wounds might need a little help. From a healer. This is why we have them. So we don't have to suffer for weeks like stubborn pricks."

"It's not that simple." Remus says.

"What's not simple about it? You're hurt; you go to a healer. Even Muggles with their wacky medicine and healer-doctors get the concept." 

"You know why it's not simple. They'll have a lot of questions about how I got the injuries and why some of them are healing so fast. It'll look suspicious."

"Yes, it might look like you're a werewolf. Which you are."

"Which I am. And they might also decide it looks like I'm a danger."

"So? If you're that worried about it, lie. Tell them Padfoot got too over excited and bit you."

"Ah yes, I'll tell them my unregistered animagus boyfriend got out of control and bit me. I can see that going down really well. Especially when they realise it's definitely wolf bite, but hey at least if they think you're a werewolf too, they might lock us away together." Remus rebukes.

"They're not going to lock you away." Sirius says dismissively as he finishes tending to the bite and tries to pull off Remus' sweater to better see the rest, Remus is not helpful.

"They might. I think you've been around me for too long. You've forgotten what most of wizardry world thinks about werewolves." Remus says, pulling he's sweater down and crossing his arms across his chest.

"What are you getting at?"

"You know what I'm getting at. There was an article in the Prophet just the other day about the dangers of associating with 'dark creatures.' They're hair away from rounding us all up and putting us in Azkaban, just to feel safe." Remus says, "Auror's are already going around breaking up any groups of two or more suspected werewolves."

"You're not a 'dark creature'. Anyway they're only scared because of the ones going over to his side. You know that. They have no reason to be scared of you."

"Maybe you should tell them that." Remus is getting angry now. "You know why so many of my kind are working for you know who? Because they kept being treated like sub-human monsters and so they figure they might as well act like one. Yes, some of them are just monsters. But some of them just have nowhere else to go."

"You have somewhere else to go." Sirius says in a quiet voice.

"You are they only reason I am not homeless right now. It's been three months since I lost my job due to too many 'unexplained illnesses'; which we both know meant they had caught on to my 'furry little problem'. I haven't been able to find another job yet and if I was out on my own I wouldn't be able to make rent."

"But you're not one your own." Sirius says, he's still kneeling beside Remus' he rests his head in Remus' lap.

"I know. It's just I've recently spent a lot of time seeing where I might end up if I was. It made a lasting impression." Remus runs his hand through Sirius' hair, it's gotten longer while he's been away.

"I forget sometimes how awful the world is to you. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. It makes me mad."  Sirius says to Remus' thigh.

"It makes me pretty mad too." Remus agrees.

"I'm still taking you to a healer if that doesn't look better in week." Sirius adds.

"Fine." Remus sighs, too tired to argue further and silently confident it will. It does heal, but that doesn't stop them having the argument again in the meanwhile.

~

The next time Remus leaves Sirius is out. He leaves a brief and vague note. It wasn't planned this way but he's glad to avoid the argument.  He's gone for longer this time, enough for two full moons to come and go. After he's seen Dumbledore he doesn't go straight home. He wants to, but would rather wait the extra few days to heal than have yet another argument. He knows he looks worst than last time. It doesn't matter when he finally walks through the door; Sirius isn't home. It's well past midnight when Sirius comes home and crawls into bed beside him. He looks rough and smells of alcohol. Neither wants to break the silence. They lay together trying to ignore the strange space between them. This, Remus thinks, is a casualty of war no one ever talks about.

Sirius has been acting funny all week since Remus came back. Remus can't quite pin point in what way. It wasn't exactly unusual for Sirius to act erratic and moody. It wasn't unusual for him to disappear without warning for indefinite periods of time. It wasn't unusual for Sirius to occasionally break things around the apartment either, but all these things seemed to be happening more frequently or perhaps it didn't usually happen all at the same time. Remus finds out at the end of this week that the Order has a mole. He doesn't find out from Dumbledore. It's an accident. James is around, Lily is off somewhere, something about her sister. It's nice. It reminds Remus of school, all that's missing is Peter. Sirius opened a bottle of fire whiskey and they drank enough to forgot some of the world outside. Then the conversation turns from Quidditch and reminiscing about school to the trouble Sirius got into in the two months Remus was gone.

"Moony, you can't ever leave him alone again. He goes all funny when he's left alone." James says, "He kept coming around like a lost puppy dog. I think Lily almost considered adopting him, until he started shedding on the couch."

"Yeah, then she threw me out, and banned me from coming around without proper warning. Whatever that means." Sirius scoffed.

"No, that was after you walked in on her naked and I completely support her decision, pervert" James retorted. Remus stops himself mid laugh as Sirius shoot him a look.

"Padfoot walked in. And it was an accident! Why would I want to see Lily naked?!" Sirius said.

"Why wouldn't you!? Lily is a spectacular beauty.  You should consider yourself lucky you got an eyeful." James says, as his arms make over exaggerated movements as if to support his case.

"I'm sure Lily is very nice." Remus says, in a failed attempt to sound reassuring.

"I'm sure Lily is extremely nice. The nicest of all the naked women folk." Sirius says, mimicking James's gestures.  "However, evident by this," Sirius leans over to kiss Remus, "I am clearly not interested in the naked women folk at present."

"Nice try, I know your track record, Pervert." James replies, then to Remus says, "Seriously, though mate. Pads was a bit all over the place without you around. Mind you, it's been a rough few months anyway."

"Yeah," Sirius agrees, he sounds drunker than he did before there's a slight slur to his words, "it's been awful, I missed you Moony, with all this shit going on with the Order, not knowing who to trust because some bloody two faced snake is about. It's been awful."

"Two faced snake?" Remus queries, it makes a lot of sense far too quickly, "You think there's a spy in the Order?"

"Yeah, didn't Dumbledore tell you? You said you saw him before you came home. I figured he'd mention it." Sirius says shrugging.

"I did, he didn't." Remus mumbles, "But it explains why it's been so hard lately."

"He probably forgot," Offers James, "There's got to be a million things in that head of his."

"Maybe..." Remus trails off into an awkward silence. Just like that the night has changed. He's knows what they're thinking. They must be because he's thinking it too, the only reason Dumbledore wouldn't tell him about the spy would be if he thought he couldn't be trusted. The silence drags on for what feels like a century. Sirius finally breaks it with an off colour joke about Britain's chances in the World Cup this year and the scene resets its self; just a few old friends drinking and laughing together. The talk of spies sinks away for now.

It resurfaces a few days later. Sirius has mysteriously been away for two days. When he returns he is unusually quiet. Remus feels something hovering uneasily just beneath the silence.  The next evening he finds Sirius in the kitchen cooking, something he's still slightly amazed Sirius can actually do without setting anything on fire.

"Hey, want some?" Sirius offers, as Remus busied himself with making a cup of tea.

"No, I'm fine thanks." Sirius looks up,

"You sure? It's steak. Which for memory is your favourite non-chocolate food and I am cooking for two."

"That's because you eat enough for two." Remus replies with that wiry smirk he has when he knows he's being quick witted.

"Yes, but on this occasion I am cooking for three, so you can have some too." Sirius replies, turning back to the stove.

"Okay. In that case, yes. Thank you." Remus leans against the counter as he tea steeps, 

"No problem." Sirius doesn't look up and Remus thinks this is the most they've spoken in days and something be about to go wrong.

Dinner is nice. Remus almost forgets the sinking feeling he had earlier. They're doing the dishes when he remembers.

"Hey Remus..." Sirius starts,

"Yes?" Remus feels the sinking feeling return. Sirius sounds the way he sounds when he really doesn't want to say something he needs to.

"When you came home the other week, what did you do before you came home?" He asks, watching Remus carefully waiting for the response. Remus is at first shocked and then confused by the question.

"I had to go see Dumbledore. I told you that, when I got back, didn't I?" Remus says slowly.

"But that was on Tuesday, you came home Friday. What were you doing in between?" Sirius's eyes are pleading for something, probably the right answer whatever that was.

"Oh right." Remus pauses trying to work out how to explain he had just wandered around the streets for a few days because he didn't want Sirius to see him injured. "I just stay away for a little to heal. I wasn't in the best shape and I didn't want to worry you." As soon as he said it he knew it sounded stupid; worst he knew it sounded suspicious. He focused more intently on drying the plate he had in hands, wishing he could just disappear.

"But why? I've seen you after a bad full moon before." Sirius has given up entirely dishes and is watching Remus with a new intensity.

"I was quite bad..." Remus begins but trails off when he see the way Sirius is looking at him. It was a mix of concern and anger. He suspects a part of Sirius wants to hit him for that terrible excuse.

"Right," Sirius definitely sounds like he kind of wants to hit him. "So where did you stay?"

"Err..." Remus really doesn't want to say on the streets, he also really doesn't want to lie. He settles for  vagueness, "In Diagon Alley." Sirius raises an eyebrow.

"At the Leaky Cauldron?"

"Yes." Remus says almost automatically. Then Sirius grimaces and he realises he has made a very bad mistake.

"Really? Because I didn't see you there." Sirius looks him directly in the eyes and Remus feels trapped. And it's starting to make him angry as well.  

"You must have missed me then. Is that where you were that night?" There is more bite in Remus' voice then he would like.

"Yes, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have missed you." Sirius snaps back.

"Well you did." Remus has given trying to sound calm now. "What were you doing there anyway? Aside from looking for me apparently."

"I was drinking." Sirius says.

"Alone?" It's Remus' raising an eyebrow now.

"No." Sirius sounds defensive now.

"With who then? I know it wasn't James. Who the hell were you out drinking with that late at night?" Remus sounds hysterical. He knows he's being petty but now he's afraid if he lets it go the conversation will return to him.

"People. Stop changing the subject." Unfortunately, Sirius still remembers what started the argument, "What the hell were you doing over the last two months that you needed to take three days to lick your wounds before you came home." Sirius stops himself from adding 'to me' at the end. He doesn't want Remus to realise how bloody hurt he's feeling.

"You know I can't tell you that." Remus grits out. The few remaining dirty dishes have now completely been abandoned.

"Of course. Right. Top secret. That's bloody convenient, ain't it?" Sirius throws his arms up as he begins to walk away. Remus can't help himself, he follows him out the kitchen.

"No, it's no convenient! I want nothing more to tell you all the boring sodding details of the last two months because then we wouldn't be having this argument. But I can't. I promised." Remus can't stop himself, he's starting to yell. "Just like you promised not to go blabbing about all the things you do for the Order. Do you think I don't want to know where the hell you've been the last two days, or that week before I left?! Of course I do! But I, at least have the common decency not to go about interrogating you like your some kind of traitor sneaking around behind my back!"

"That's because I'm not the one sneaking around! I want to trust you, Remus, but it's hard. I'm never gone for as long as you. You keep saying it's something only you can do. But what could Dumbledore possibly have you doing that has you away for that long?! And why would he have you out there on the full moon? It's not exactly when you’re the most reliable."

"I don't know, Pads. You have a brain. Why don't you use it? What on earth could Dumbledore have me doing on a full moon that no one else could do?" Remus' words feel like acid in his mouth. Sirius is quiet. It's as if he's only just realising what Remus meant, but Sirius isn't that daft. He remembers the bite marks and scratches he patched up last time. He knows what Remus had been doing, how could he have forgotten, when he could still see the scars.

"I know." Sirius' voice is small. "I just, I've been so caught up in all this... and when Dumbledore said..." He trails off before trying again. "You're right. I was out of line. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. You were." Remus snaps and walks away to the bedroom. He can still feel the rage in his belly. Sirius doesn't follow him. The unsettling silence returns to the apartment. Remus wants to break it again. To tell Sirius, that he's sorry too and ask if they can just stop fighting. But he can't. The very thought that for even a second Sirius thought that he might be the Order's traitor was too painful. He goes to bed instead. Later in the night he feels a weight jump onto the bed. Padfoot curls up beside him nestling against his chest. He runs his fingers through his fur.

The next morning Remus wakes up to the smell of bacon and eggs. He shuffles into kitchen to find Sirius cooking again.

"It was Peter." Sirius says, not turning around when the clinking of coffee cups announces Remus' presence.

"What?" Remus replies groggily.

"Who I was drinking with that night." Sirius says not looking up from the bacon. "Or at least to start with it was Peter. He had to go but I didn't want to go home to an empty apartment, so I stayed. Chatted to some people I meet down there. This one particular girl was friendly, I think she wanted to take me home. Honestly, I was tempted. She was very pretty and I missed it. You know? But I didn't and I'm glad because I came home and you were back. I'd feel like a real prick if I had gone home with her."

"Oh." Remus says, he's not sure what he's meant to say now. Sirius just continues.

"I am really sorry about what a twat I've been lately. It's just this stuff gets into you head. I thought you knew about it, and when you didn't all I could think about was, why Dumbledore didn't tell you?"

"Because he doesn't trust me." Remus mumbles, saying it feels like exhaling after holding his breath.

"Yeah." Sirius says, he's finally turned around. "So, I asked him."

"What did he say?" Remus asks.

"It sounded like he just forgot you didn't know. Like he thought you were there when he told me and James. But he was surprised when I said you got back on the Friday night. He asked if I knew where you went in between and I couldn't say. So naturally, I jumped to the worst conclusion. I'm good like that. What some breakfast?" Sirius asks as he serves up two plates of bacon and eggs, as if they've just been talking about the weather.

"I wasn't staying at the leaky cauldron." Remus says he's not sure why. Apparently, Sirius' sudden bout of honesty was infectious.

"What?" Sirius says.

"I didn't stay anywhere." Remus continues, "I knew I'd heal either way. So, I just kind of hang around"

"On the streets?" Sirius questions carefully.

"I guess so." Remus shrugs.

"But why?"

"You were so upset last time I came home. I didn't want another fight about going to a healer."

"Oh." Sirius says, "I guess, it worked. We didn't fight about a healer this time, hey?"

"Yeah, we found something new. We're good like that." Remus says with a sad smile.


End file.
